Family System – West & Islamic Perspective

 

Family System – West & Islamic Perspective

Concept of Family

Family values in west

Collapse of Family system in western society

Family values in Islam

Ideal Muslim Family

 

Concept of Family

In the social sciences, the term "traditional family" refers to a nuclear family—a child-rearing environment composed of a breadwinning parent, a homemaking parent of a different gender, and their normally biological children; sociologists formerly referred to this model as the norm.^{[citation needed]} A family deviating from this model is considered a non-traditional family https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_values

Traditional Western Family Values

Although they are not for everyone, certain aspects of traditional ideals may still appeal to a wide range of families. They represent enduring familial themes and the comfort of conventional homes. The list below includes both common and uncommon values for old-fashioned families.

·         Opposition to pre-marital sex

·         Opposition to same-sex marriage

·         Belief in traditional home-based roles for women

·         Belief in Christian-based values

·         Opposition to some elements of feminism

·         Opposition to abortion while actively supporting abstinence education

·         Belief in adoption as an alternative to abortion

·         Belief in programs and public policies that shield children from exploitation

·         Opposition to separation of church and state

·         Belief in father as head-of-household

But lately the society started to shift from traditional values to more “Modernized values” which they termed as Contemporary Values.

Three core ideals due to which this shifting of values from traditional to non traditional families happen are Gender Equity, Individual Freedom & Hedonism.

Gender Equity: West believe in equality of gender roles which goes against the law of nature. People noted the backwardness in the traditional societies due to injustice done with Females, denial of due rights & male domination in the society. Instead of struggling to provide the right status to women they raise the slogan of Gender equality.

God has created male and female with different biological needs and to fulfil different requirement and duties. By forcing women to join Men in all sphere of works they have burden them to carry out the extra activities beside their regular ones; which eventually lead to their exploitation in the name of glamour.

Even after leading so many campaigns western society is still far away from providing the equality to Women. Still women are paid relatively lesser than their male counterparts and percentage of women in executive role is far less than males.

Individual Freedom: The concepts of unlimited freedom and baseless slogans like My Body My Choice has shifted the young generation from being responsible to a life where they can enjoy materialistic life without the social norms and responsibilities of marriage. This resulted in various relationships among the people other than sacred marriage like Girl friends & Boy friends, Live in relationships, DINKS (Double income and No Kids, Homosexual relations etc

Hedonism: The last ideal was to let people enjoy the life as they wish without caring for the society. In life nothing comes for free; you need to pay (the responsibility of family) to get the benefits of intimacy.

Based on the above ideals, the society shifted gradually from traditional values to the contemporary values as mentioned below; this shift took few decades and now everyone can analyse the fruits of such ideology.

The following list highlights some popular ideals for America's modern families.

·         Support for the universal living wage model to improve livelihood

·         Belief in acceptance of non-traditional families that may include same-sex and polygamous long-term relationships, as well as single-parent families

·         Belief in a woman's right to abortion

·         Belief in Planned Parenthood programs that offer contraception

·         Belief in government-funded financial aid to families

·         Support for sex education in public schools

https://family.lovetoknow.com/american-family-values

Collapse of Family system in western society

Family life is changing. Two-parent households are on the decline in the United States as divorce, remarriage and cohabitation are on the rise. And families are smaller now, both due to the growth of single-parent households and the drop in fertility. Not only are Americans having fewer children, but the circumstances surrounding parenthood have changed.

In 1996 the Hoover Institution published a symposium titled “Can Government Save the Family?“ A who’s-who list of culture warriors—including Dan Quayle, James Dobson, John Engler, John Ashcroft, and David Blankenhorn—were asked, “What can government do, if anything, to make sure that the overwhelming majority of American children grow up with a mother and father?”

There wasn’t much disagreement on the panel. Their suggestions were (1) end welfare payments for single mothers, (2) stop no-fault divorce, (3) remove tax penalties for marriage, and (4) fix “the culture.” 

As of 2014, only 46% of children in the U.S. live in a traditional family, down from 61% in 1980.^[18]

Fertility in the U.S. has been on the decline since the end of the post-World War II baby boom, resulting in smaller families. In the mid-1970s, a 40% plurality of mothers who had reached the end of their childbearing years had given birth to four or more children.¹⁴ Now, a similar share (41%) of mothers at the end of their childbearing years has had two children, and just 14% have had four or more children.¹⁵

Seeing the projections of world population by 2100 it can be summarized that we are reaching the plateau of population growth and it would start decling in coming period with less young population and more ageing people.

Poverty

It is impossible to summarize here the voluminous literature on family and child well-being but suffice it to say that children are much more likely to thrive in school¹¹ and steer clear of poverty when their parents are married.¹² Figure 5 is telling on this score. https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-good-and-bad-news-about-family-life-in-america

Domestic violence

·         About 2.3 million people are raped or physically assaulted each year by a current or former intimate partner or spouse.^[58]

·         1 in 71 men and 1 in 5 women have experienced an attempted or completed rape committed by a partner.^[58][61]

·         In 2007, 2,340 deaths were caused by intimate partner violence—making up 14% of all homicides. 70% of these deaths were females and 30% were males.^[66]

·         22% of high school girls and 32% of college women experienced dating violence in a 2000 study. 20.6% of women experienced two or more types of dating violence and 8.3% of women experienced rape, stalking or physical aggression while dating.^[67] 

·         1 in 3 bisexual women (37%) and 1 in 6 heterosexual women (16%) have experienced stalking victimization in their lifetime during which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.^[69]

·         According to the authors of "Housing Problems and Domestic Violence," 38% of domestic violence victims will become homeless in their lifetime.^[72][58] 

The above stats highlight the gravity of problems faced by the western society. Many social scientist acknowledge the root causes but they have reached point of no return except returning back to the traditional family value system.

Family values in Islam

Firstly, Islam acknowledge the difference among races and cultures and emphasis that these are there to differentiate the people

 يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّـهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ 49:13

Human beings, We created you all from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another. Verily the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most God-fearing of you. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. (49:13)

Secondly, Islam Emphasizes the importance of relationship and ask all to uphold its sanctity

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّـهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا  4:1

O men! Fear your Lord Who created you from a single being and out of it created its mate; and out of the two spread many men and women. Fear Allah in Whose name you plead for rights, and heed the ties of kinship. Surely, Allah is ever watchful over you.

Thirdly, It legalize marriage as the only source of relationship between and Man and Women and had made all other types of relationship as illegal; and strictly warns all not to cross the limits of this sanctity

وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَىٰ ۖ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا  17:32

Do not even approach fornication for it is an outrageous act, and an evil way. (17:32)

Islamic teachings on Family ties

Marriage

Islam insist on people getting married; they should avoid celibacy; Marriage should be made simple and those who cannot afford to marry should fast to control their Lust.

‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَتْ:‏‏‏‏ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:‏‏‏‏ النِّكَاحُ مِنْ سُنَّتِي، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَمَنْ لَمْ يَعْمَلْ بِسُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَتَزَوَّجُوا فَإِنِّي

مُكَاثِرٌ بِكُمُ الْأُمَمَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَمَنْ كَانَ ذَا طَوْلٍ فَلْيَنْكِحْ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَمَنْ لَمْ يَجِدْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصِّيَامِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَإِنَّ الصَّوْمَ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ.  Ibn Maja: 1846 

ام المؤمنین عائشہ ؓ کہتی ہیں کہ  رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا:  نکاح میری سنت اور میرا طریقہ ہے، تو جو میری سنت پہ عمل نہ کرے وہ مجھ سے نہیں ہے، تم لوگ شادی کرو، اس لیے کہ میں تمہاری کثرت کی وجہ سے دوسری امتوں پر  (قیامت کے دن)  فخر کروں گا، اور جو صاحب استطاعت ہوں شادی کریں، اور جس کو شادی کی استطاعت نہ ہو وہ روزے رکھے، اس لیے کہ روزہ اس کی شہوت کو کچلنے کا ذریعہ ہے

Prophet said: Marriage is my Sunnah and whoever doesn’t follow it is not among us. and those who cannot afford to marry should fast to control their Lust.

Taking care of relations

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ تَعَلَّمُوا مِنْ أَنْسَابِكُمْ مَا تَصِلُونَ بِهِ أَرْحَامَكُمْ فَإِنَّ صِلَةَ الرَّحِمِ مَحَبَّةٌ فِي الْأَهْلِ مَثْرَاةٌ فِي الْمَالِ مَنْسَأَةٌ فِي أَثَرِهِ  مسند احمد  کتاب: صحیفہ ہمام بن منبہ رحمتہ اللہ علیہ حدیث نمبر: 8513

حضرت ابوہریرہ ؓ سے مروی ہے کہ نبی کریم ﷺ نے فرمایا اپنا سلسلہ نسب اتنا تو سیکھ لو کہ جس سے صلہ رحمی کرسکو کیونکہ صلہ رحمی سے اس شخص کے ساتھ محبت بڑھتی ہے مال میں اضافہ ہوتا ہے اور مصائب ٹل جاتے ہیں۔

Prophet Mohammed SAS said Learn to remember your Nasb (Lineage) so that you should maintain good relations with Kith and Kins as it leads to Love, increment in wealth and save you from troubles.

Normally people feel supporting the relatives who are needy as a burden on themselves; but Prophet Sas said it increase the age and sustenance.

 ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏يَقُولُ:‏‏‏‏ مَنْ سَرَّهُ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ فِي رِزْقِهِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏أَوْ يُنْسَأَ لَهُ فِي أَثَرِهِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ. صحیح بخاری حدیث نمبر: 2067 

انس بن مالک ؓ نے کیا کہ  میں نے سنا رسول اللہ  ﷺ  فرما رہے تھے کہ جو شخص اپنی روزی میں کشادگی چاہتا ہو یا عمر کی دارازی چاہتا ہو تو اسے چاہیے کہ صلہ رحمی کرے۔

Narrated Anas bin Malik (RA):  I heard Allahs Apostle ﷺ saying, "whoever desires an expansion in his sustenance and age, should keep good relations with his kith and kin." Bukhari

Strong warning is given to those who break the bond of relationship

، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ إِنَّ جُبَيْرَ بْنَ مُطْعِمٍ ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ:‏‏‏‏ لَا يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ. صحیح بخاری حدیث نمبر: 5984 

جبیر بن مطعم ؓ نے خبر دی  انہوں نے نبی کریم  ﷺ  سے سنا، نبی کریم  ﷺ  نے فرمایا کہ قطع رحمی کرنے والا جنت میں نہیں جائے گا۔

Narrated Jubair bin Mutim (RA) : That he heard the Prophet ﷺ saying, "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise."

Respecting women and treating them fairly

On the Last Hajj -- called Farewell Pilgrimage -- Prophet Muhammad stood among 100,000 faithful followers on Mount Arafat making his last will and testament. He said, "Oh people, you have rights over your wives, and your wives have rights over you. Remember, you must always treat your wives with kindness. Woman is weak and cannot protect her own rights. When you got married, God appointed you the trustees of those rights. You brought your wives to your homes under the Law of God. You must not, therefore, insult the trust which God has placed in your hands."

Prophet Muhammad advised Muslims to marry; he forbade the practice of celibacy. He said, "Marriage is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are not of me." He also said, "When a man has married, he has completed one half of his religion."

Prophet Muhammad said, "Best among you is one who is best to his wife, and I am best among you in my dealings with my wives."

‏‏‏‏ سَمِعْتُ أُمَّ سَلَمَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏تَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏يَقُولُ:‏‏‏‏ أَيُّمَا امْرَأَةٍ مَاتَتْ وَزَوْجُهَا عَنْهَا رَاضٍ دَخَلَتِ الْجَنَّةَ.

ام المؤمنین ام سلمہ ؓ کہتی ہیں کہ  میں نے رسول اللہ ﷺ کو فرماتے سنا:  جو عورت اس حال میں مرے کہ اس کا شوہر اس سے راضی ہو تو وہ جنت میں داخل ہوگی ۔ سنن ابن ماجہ حدیث نمبر: 1854 

Umm Salamah say: "I heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say: Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.": (Hasan) Ibn Maja 1854

وعن ابن عباس قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم من كانت له أنثى فلم يئدها ولم يهنها ولم يؤثر ولده عليها يعني الذكور أدخله الله الجنة . رواه أبو داود

اور حضرت ابن عباس ؓ کہتے ہیں کہ رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا کہ جس شخص کے کوئی بہن بیٹی ہو اور وہ اس کو نہ تو زندہ درگور کرے جیسا کہ زمانہ جاہلیت میں رواج تھا کہ لوگ فقر کے خوف سے بچیوں کو پیدا ہوتے ہی زندہ دفن کردیتے تھے نہ اس کو ذلت و حقارت کے ساتھ رکھے اور نہ اپنے والد یعنی بیٹے کو اس پر ترجیح دے تو اللہ تعالیٰ اس کو جنت میں داخل کرے گا۔ (ابوداؤد)

Prophet Sas said: whoever has a daughter or a sister and he doesn’t bury her alive (as per the old brutal traditions) and doesn’t prefer the son over her will be entered in Paradise by Allah. Abu Dawood.

وعن أنس قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم من عال جاريتين حتى تبلغا جاء يوم القيامة أنا وهو هكذا وضم أصابعه . رواه مسلم .   ( متفق عليه )

اور حضرت انس ؓ کہتے ہیں کہ رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا جو شخص دو بیٹیوں کی پرورش اور دیکھ بھال کرے یہاں تک کہ وہ بلوغ کی حد تک پہنچ جائیں یا شادی بیاہ کے بعد اپنے خاوند کے پاس چلی جائے تو وہ شخص قیامت کے روز اس طرح آئے گا کہ میں اور وہ اس طرح ایک دوسرے کے قریب ہوں گے یہ کہہ کر آپ نے اپنی انگلیوں کو ملا کر دکھایا۔ (مسلم)

Prophet Sas Said: Whoever brought up Two (Three) daughters till they reach Adulthood; He will be with me on day of Judgement like twin fingers. (Muslim / Tirmidhi)

Child upbringing

 يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ 

Believers, guard yourselves and your kindred against a Fire whose fuel is human beings and stones, (66:6)

People are obliged to take care of their children as they will be beneficent for them in this life and the life hereafter

أَنّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ:‏‏‏‏  مَا نَحَلَ وَالِدٌ وَلَدًا مِنْ نَحْلٍ أَفْضَلَ مِنْ أَدَبٍ حَسَنٍ  جامع ترمذی 1952

عمرو بن سعید بن عاص کہتے ہیں کہ  رسول اللہ  ﷺ  نے فرمایا:  حسن ادب سے بہتر کسی باپ نے اپنے بیٹے کو تحفہ نہیں دیا ۔

Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said, “No father gave a better gift to his son than (teaching) good manners.”   [Tirmidhi 1952]

عَنْ أَنَسٍ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «أَكْرِمُوا أَوْلَادَكُمْ وَأَحْسِنُوا أَدَبَهُمْ» (رواه ابن ماجه)

حضرت انس ؓ سے روایت ہے کہ رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا کہ: اپنی اولاد کا اکرام کرو، اور (اچھی تربیت کے ذریعہ) ان کو حسنِ ادب سے آراستہ کرو۔ (سنن ابن ماجہ)

Prophet Sas said to respect the child and raise them with good manners (Ibn Maja)

 

عَنْ سَعِيدَ بْنَ الْمُسَيَّبِ کَانَ يَقُولُ إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ لَيُرْفَعُ بِدُعَائِ وَلَدِهِ مِنْ بَعْدِهِ وَقَالَ بِيَدَيْهِ نَحْوَ السَّمَائِ فَرَفَعَهُمَا

سعید بن مسیب کہتے تھے بیشک آدمی کا درجہ بلند ہوجاتا ہے اس کے لڑکے کے دعا کرنے سے بعد اس کے مرجانے کے اور اشارہ کیا آپ ﷺ نے دونوں ہاتھوں سے آسمانوں کی طرف پھر اٹھایا ان کو۔ موطا امام مالک

Said ibn al-Musayyab used to say, "A man is raised by the dua of his son after his death." He spoke with his hands turned upwards, and then lifted them up.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَی بْنُ أَيُّوبَ وَقُتَيْبَةُ يَعْنِي ابْنَ سَعِيدٍ وَابْنُ حُجْرٍ قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَعِيلُ هُوَ ابْنُ جَعْفَرٍ عَنْ الْعَلَائِ عَنْ أَبِيهِ عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّی اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ إِذَا مَاتَ الْإِنْسَانُ انْقَطَعَ عَنْهُ عَمَلُهُ إِلَّا مِنْ ثَلَاثَةٍ إِلَّا مِنْ صَدَقَةٍ جَارِيَةٍ أَوْ عِلْمٍ يُنْتَفَعُ بِهِ أَوْ وَلَدٍ صَالِحٍ يَدْعُو لَهُ صحیح مسلم 4223

 حضرت ابوہریرہ ؓ سے روایت ہے کہ رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا جب انسان مرجاتا ہے تو تین اعمال کے علاوہ تمام اعمال منقطع ہوجاتے ہیں صدقہ جاریہ یا وہ علم جس سے نفع اٹھایا جائے یا نیک اولاد جو اس کے لئے دعا کرتی رہے۔

Abu Hurairah (RA) reported Allahs Messenger ﷺ as saying: When a man dies, his acts come to an end, but three, recurring charity, or knowledge (by which people) benefit, or a pious son, who prays for him (for the deceased).

Treating elders fairly

Islam emphasize the balance of treating different generation fairly so that their rights are guaranteed.

 

وعن ابن عباس قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم   ليس منا من لم يرحم صغيرنا ولم يوقر كبيرنا ويأمر بالمعروف وينه عن المنكر . رواه الترمذي

اور حضرت ابن عباس ؓ کہتے ہیں کہ رسول اللہ ﷺ نے فرمایا وہ شخص ہماری اتباع کرنے والوں میں سے نہیں ہے جو ہمارے چھوٹوں پر رحم و شفقت نہ کرے ہمارے بڑوں کا جو خواہ جوان ہوں یا بوڑھے احترام ملحوظ نہ رکھے

Prophet Sas said: He is not among us who doesn’t have mercy on children and respect the elder Tirmidhi

With the above it get clear that the teachings of Islam is holistic in nature and lay emphasis on healthy and prospering family development in the society.

Summarizing the salient features of Ideal Islamic family it can be stated that an Ideal Muslim Family is a set of extended family where people among the family

1. 1.   Love each other
2. 2.   Compassionate to each other
3. 3.   Try to fulfil others right and be content on lesser rights for themselves
4. 4.   Sacrifice the better to others
5. 5.   Spend on the wellbeing of their family
6. 6.   Treat each other fairly
7. 7.   Pray for the betterment of each other
8. 8.   Consult each other on the matters which are of mutual context.

Lets not follow the footsteps of western society which has ruins their family structure inspite of all technological advancement. May Allah help us to build a pious and better family and society.